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The Constant Reminder.

 

I feel like I am always reminded of my kids' struggles and delays. 

School, birthday parties, grocery stores, parks, family gatherings, doctors offices, honestly there’s not anywhere I can think of that we go outside of our home that doesn’t remind me that our life looks different. 

No matter where we go it’s not easy.

 We have to pack toys, tablets, snacks, pull-ups, wipes, a wagon, headphones, sensory toys, did I say snacks!

This is not a list that we pack if we are going to be gone for a long day, this is what we pack just for a quick trip. These things are necessary for us to go somewhere.

And these things do not guarantee our trips are successful.

I see other families just go somewhere with so much ease.

There is absolutely no ease with our family. 

Someone always cries during a transition. Every person in my family  including myself has a meltdown when we go somewhere. 

I just expect it at this point, I know it's coming. 

I remember going to kindergarten orientation this year for Harper. I go in and sit down in her classroom and listen to her teacher talk about all of the things they will be learning, all of the things they will be doing, and all of the things they should already know. 

That “all of things they should already know” got me.

 I felt my eyes get watery. I quickly swallowed the tears back. I was not crying in front of my daughter's kindergarten teacher and all the other parents there. 

Inside I was dying.

 I wanted to get up and leave.

It wasn't anything that anyone had done or said. 

It had everything to do with me.

When it was over I got out of my car and sobbed. 

The reminder is always there. I knew this transition into school would be hard on Harper. I was already worried. Nothing hurts more than seeing your autistic child next to their typical peers. 

You can't deny the difference, you can't ignore it, when Dallas and Harper are next to their typical peers the differences are highlighted and jammed into your face. 

In the last 12 months I have received 2 autism diagnoses. One for my daughter and one for my son. 

I have spent the last 12 months fighting for my kids' needs, being constantly reminded that they are behind or delayed, filling out 2 million bubble sheets about their skills and lack thereof, answering question after question, and explaining who they are.

I haven’t been dealing with autism for just 12 months though. I’ve been dealing with autism for 5 years. A diagnosis didn't make my kids autistic. They were autistic before the diagnosis. I’ve been reminded of the difference in my children much longer than 12 months.

I’ll be honest, I cry a lot. 

I cry because I know! I want to scream it out at the top of my lungs “I KNOW”. 

The hardest part is I will continue to be reminded. I have to know how they are doing at school. I have to know if there is an area of struggle. I have to fill in new people that come into their lives whether it be doctors, therapists, teachers, friends. I have to fill out the bubble sheets. 

Everyday I see my kids but I don't look at their delays. I look at them, exactly who they are in all their fun, loving, beautiful glory. 

 I wish the world wasn't so focused on delays of children with disabilities and more focused on their strengths. More focused on their personalities, special interests, dreams, desires. 

Instead we live in a world that measures their delays in every aspect of their lives. 

So if you see me crying, you didn't do anything wrong.

 I'm crying because I know. 

This post was written by Shelby Shivener from Autism On The Farm.



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